If He Cared At All
Lyric
Email: lyric_au2000@yahoo.com.au
Rating: PG. Swearing
Disclaimer: No one belongs to me. I will take responsibility for the idea though.
Summary: Willow thinks.
Notes: British spelling. Follows Simpatico Lapse. Not a sequel as such, but this will make more sense if you read that first. Thanks again to Dark Childe for the beta. Thank you too, to the nice people who read the first one and let me know they liked it. This is for my new friend Lovesbitca who is a kind and generous spirit.

Willow wonders if anyone has done a scientific study on the number of thoughts a person can have in a split second. If she gave a shit anymore, which she doesn't, she might look it up on the net. She supposes she'll just have to die wondering.

The reason for her wonderment is currently scuffing his seen-better-days Doc Martens on the shabby carpet of the 'sitting room' as Giles insists on calling it, and looking anywhere but at her. Willows' trying not to get too excited about him being here because it doesn't feel right somehow for her to be allowed to get excited about anything after everything she's done. And besides, she's been trying so hard not to feel anything lately, she thinks that maybe if she was going allow herself to feel anything, it should be bad, right? But she can't help it. Spike's here and he's here to see her.

Giles mumbles something, before going off to make the tea, about Spike knowing what happened in Sunnydale and she wants to know how he knows that cos she's pretty sure he hasn't been there for some time and she wants to know where he's been, and what he's been doing, and why didn't he tell anyone that he was leaving, or where he was going, or how long he'd be gone for. Even if things are strained between him and Buffy for what ever reason, cos she still isn't sure what's going on there, he should have told someone and what with things between him and Xander being deadly cos of what happened between Spike and Anya, which she *still* can't get her head around. How did he know where to find her?

Willow can hear Giles in the kitchen organising the tea things, waiting for the kettle to boil and she wishes he would hurry up. Sitting here with Spike not saying anything is becoming awkward and tiresome. She wonders why he would come here at all if he has no intention of speaking to her. It's not like they're strangers. She remembers a time when their silences were comfortable and they could sit up all night talking. But then, that was a million years ago and maybe he doesn't remember. Maybe it didn't mean as much to him as it did to Willow.

Then all of a sudden she's asking him; because she really wants to know, and she's a little shocked because she hasn't spoken in full sentences since before she and Giles left Sunnydale, and she hasn't initiated a conversation since...before that. But Willow's curious and now seems as good a time as any to start talking again. She can always turn mute again later.

'What are you doing here Spike?' she asks, and her voice is thick with lack of use. Willow can hear the tea things rattle dangerously in the kitchen and Giles is shouting an expletive she doesn't remember hearing him use before. It appears the last thing Giles expects to hear is Willow's voice and she's guessing he's now wearing the pot of tea he's just made. She has to stop herself from smiling at the thought. Giles comes in and excuses himself - he needs to go change his clothes and Willow hopes he's clever enough to stay upstairs while she and Spike talk. She's sure Spike has been instructed to give Giles a full report later anyway.

'I...I came to see how you're doing. I heard about...what happened. I'm so sorry about your girl'. Spike seems sincere but hesitant, unsure of how to proceed, and Willow thinks that he is trying to remember the list of all the do's and don'ts Giles must have given him. She doesn't understand why he's acting like this. Surely Spike would be the one person out of them all, apart from maybe Anya, who wouldn't be afraid to give it to her straight. She was sort of looking forward to it. Finally, she thinks, someone who won't hold back to save her feelings but he's just sitting here stuttering and he still can't look at her. This is really disappointing.

'And why would you care, Spike?' Even Willow flinches a little at the ice in her tone and in a past life she probably would apologise and feel bad for being rude, except right now she's pissed off cos what right has he got to come here and pretend to care about her after all this time. Where was he when she needed him she wants to know. She's trying real hard to ignore the little voice in her head telling her she may still need him. She notices that she's got Spikes attention now because he's looking right at her. Willow is a little baffled by what she's sees in Spikes eyes. What is that? Hurt? She wouldn't have thought he cared enough to feel hurt. But it looks like he's about to forge valiantly on. 'This should be interesting' she thinks.

'Willow, I'm your friend. I just want to help you...'

God, she is so sick of sentences that begin 'Willow, we just want to help you...' or 'Willow, you know we love you...' Of course she knows they love her; she's not stupid. She loves them too, but it doesn't change how she feels or what she's done. She also knows they don't understand her and that they're more than just a little bit afraid of her. Willow likes that idea more than she's willing to admit. She is also hesitant to admit, even to herself, that in her darker moments she takes a perverse pleasure in their nervousness around her; though she's hoping it's just a little dark magick residue .

What she really wants is for someone to start a sentence with 'What the fuck did you think you were doing...?' Cos Willow thinks if they can just get angry with her, or more to the point, show her the anger that they're actually feeling and deal with her like a normal human being, instead of avoiding the issue, then maybe she'll be able to get angry at herself and then from there she might be able to work through the other six stages of grief and try and start to move on. Willow is starting to think that maybe Spike won't be of much help to her in that department either. She may have to talk to Anya afterall.

She thinks that if they can all get to the anger thing then maybe, just maybe, she can grieve for Tara properly because right now Willow thinks she's stuck. If Willow *feels* anything, it's probably desire, because Willow still remembers how good it feels. The dark magick. And she revels in the remembering. She believes that the deep shuddering want of it has been burned into her blood and she will never truly be free. She doesn't think that anyone will understand the all consuming fever that would come over her, the skin tingling sexual ache that would possess her, eat deeply of her - gut, brain, heart, sex - and how seductive it can be. It's hard to turn your back on something so addictive and powerful but she knows she has to, so she's trying.

There's a whole lot of anger too. She doesn't think they will ever convince her that she did the wrong thing regarding Warren, although she thinks they've got a pretty good shot at making her regret trying to end the world. Right now Willow thinks they are all walking on eggshells around her because they believe Tara's death is still too new and Willow can't see past her grief for anything else to sink in, but Willow is certain that if she can get past this anger then the great big Tara-shaped hole in her heart can start to bleed properly and she can get on with the whole bone shattering grief she knows is coming, because Willow thinks that she and Tara deserve that much at least.

She had hopes for Giles in the beginning. She remembers the lecture he gave her after she had brought Buffy back - all the righteous indignation, the pissed off daddy routine - she remembers thinking it was kinda sexy - and kinda pathetic at the same time. He didn't seem to realise that she had it all under control, well at least she remembers thinking so at the time. But he hadn't gone that route this time which Willow thinks is pretty weird cos, hey!, she tried to kill him! This time he's gone the repentent father routine - the 'I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, the pain you must have gone through' spiel. She thinks it makes it easier for him to help her if he thinks of Willow as a victim too. That it was never really Willow's intention to hurt any of them. He still believes the magick was in control. Willow is convinced that Giles will always underestimate her and that just makes her sad because, you know, what does a girl have to do to be taken seriously?

Spike is still talking but she hasn't been paying attention so she's not quite sure what it is he's saying. He looks very earnest though and she thinks maybe she should be listening to him but she just can't bring herself to.

Willow wonders if he remembers the night, back when Buffy was still gone, that they left a note for Tara and Dawn on the refrigerator telling them they'd be back late. Willow remembers Spike had said they should get out of the house for a while and they had driven really fast with the music really loud and all the windows rolled down. Willow remembers the feel of the warm summer wind whipping her hair around her face and she remembers Spikes rough baritone screaming along with some song on the radio. She wonders if he remembers dancing wildly with her in the carpark at that deserted little beach until it got too hot and she threw herself down, breathless, in the sand. She remembers him kicking off his boots and socks; throwing his t-shirt and a 'come on Kitten' back over his shoulder as he strides down to the waters edge.

Willow remembers not having to think twice about kicking off her sandals and her cut-offs and running to catch up to him, revelling in the feeling of the still warm sand squishing between her toes. He is waiting for her, she remembers, and when she meets up with him he turns to her with that jagged eyebrow of his raised heavenward and he asks 'shall we?' and without waiting for an answer he wades in to the sea.

She can still feel the warm salt water lapping at her as she's floating, wearing just a t-shirt and her underwear and she's staring up at a flawless, starlit sky. She can still see the moonlight dance across Spikes seal-slick skin as they swim and play together like children. Willow hopes he remembers it the way she does; how it felt to walk along the wet sand, letting the warm night air dry their clothes and the feeling of contentment on the too-short drive back to Revello Drive. The little tug of disappointment as they pull up outside the sleeping house.

And all the time she keeps it from him - the fact that she is going to bring Buffy back. She tells herself it's because she doesn't want to get his hopes up, but when she's honest with herself she admits it's because she knows he will try and stop her and she doesn't want to fight with him because, she's *going* to do this dammit. She remembers when it's finally done, how she can't bring herself to look at him and she won't be alone with him in the same room just in case he scolds her and she wonders if he even notices. And if he doesn't even notice she's distancing herself from him then how can she tell him how much pain she's in because of it.

Yes, Willow knows that she's not the only one who's...fond of him. She knows Dawnie loves him and Willow knows that that's probably the reason he's stayed as long as he has - it's probably got nothing to do with Willow at all but then the point is made moot when Buffy comes back cos Buffy's the reason he stays around after that. Willow's sure it must have hurt him, her not telling him what she was planning but still, is that any reason for Spike to just...walk away and leave her, forget about her, cos surely she didn't imagine the...bond, the connection between them. Oh God, how can she explain it to Spike when she still can't makes sense of it herself.

How can she explain to him that it hurt's her so much because he had felt like hers. Not like lovers of course, cos it isn't anything like that. No, it's more like the way she and Xander were - before Buffy - without the whole romantic wanting-to-get-married-have-lots-of-babies-and-live-happily-ever-after obsession. Willows, not Xanders. This thing with Spike probably has something to do with their being outsiders together, because Willow still feels like an outsider most of the time. She knows she shouldn't feel like that, that loving Tara and being loved by her should be enough to erase those feelings, but it's tough reversing two decades worth of thought processes and she thinks she can recognise something of herself in Spike, with his nose pressed up against the glass watching them all. Metaphorically speaking of course. How can she tell Spike that she knows that she's lost him to Buffy too, just like she lost Xander, and it breaks her heart cos she *knows* Buffy's only going to hurt him. She thinks maybe she has Buffy 'issues' but she thinks she should probably deal with one thing at a time. It still makes her sad. Not in a losing Tara kinda way but close.

Spike's stopped talking now and he's looking at her expectantly and before she can fake an answer, his mood shifts and he's frustrated and exasperated and he's yelling at her '...Jesus Willow, just what the *fuck* did you think you were doing?' Willow can feel the smile that's playing across her lips and she knows that it's just going to piss him off even more but she can't help it. Finally. Willow thinks that everything may just turn out okay.